sadness

It's been an emotional week and it's only Tuesday. I should probably be sleeping right now, letting my body rejuvenate itself, letting the exhaustion pass, but I can't sleep right now with my mind and heart in an emotional tailspin.

On Sunday, I found out that a very, very dear family friend's brother died. I didn't know him, but the sadness and heartache I feel for my friend is unending. Her brother drowned in the ocean. The search teams will continue to look for his body for 10 more days. At first, when my mom shared this unimaginable news, I didn't know how to react. I didn't know what to say or do. I sent my friend a card the next morning, expressing my deepest sympathies, but I now feel that the card was juvenile; it didn't say exactly what I felt; it wasn't enough. I received more information about her brother's death today via an email and it hit me like a brick wall. I cried, and cried, and cried, and cried because I never ever wanted her to have to write those words. I never wanted her to have to sit down at her computer and tell us the details of her brother's death. No one should ever have to do that. It's not fair. It's not fair that the Lord can giveth and taketh away in an instant. Why her? Why one of the most beautiful, most strong, most honest women I know? And why in such a cruel way? It's not fair.

I was instantly homesick. I wanted to be around my family in San Diego, who love her as much as I do. I wanted to be with them, to see them standing in front of me, to hold them, to tell them I love them. It pains me to the core that at times like these I can't be there and whatever I say in a email or on the phone isn't enough. It never feels like enough.

I know that in time, my friend's deep wounds will begin to heal despite the scar that will be left behind. I know that she will find a way with her family to fight through the sadness, confusion, and emptiness. But I wish that I could instead take all of that and suck it into a bottle and seal it, never to be opened again. I wish life worked that way. I don't feel like we should ever have to learn or grow from loss and I never want to experience that in my life, even though I also know that I will.